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~ The List ~

"one by one the penguins steal my sanity"
~
"no, mayhem costs extra"
~ginger
"i am the last frog you will ever see!"
~tony
"jesus saves - and takes half damage"
~
"do not ask for whom taco bell tolls - it tolls for thee..."
~
"i know what we should do. it starts with a 'fl' and ends with an 'eeeeeeeeeee!'"
~ginger
"because everyone has a portal to gehenna in their basement..."
~ginger
"the gold piece - accepted on 9 out of 10 planes of existence"
~tony
"if there's a motel 6, i'm sure they left the everburning torch on for you"
~tony
"all the golf shoes in the world can't save me now!"
~tony
"the good, the bad, and the penguin"
~
"watch out for the garlic breath weapon - it's the worst"
~tony
"i'm not adding up my own death, jared"
~tony
"i have ovens in the muffin..."
~ginger
"it's not good, eric, its a gazebo"
~
"evil chicken magic"
~tony
"i can only honor my ancestors in english"
~ginger
"tasty, tasty minions"
~tony
"now see, there's a fine line between gaming and reality - and i think it's back there somewhere"
~tony
"oh no, this adventure just went from 'bad' to 'dead party'."
~tony
"please, sir, do not mail me my pizza"
~tony
"wait! i've got a terrible idea!"
~tony
"you're just upset because i didn't lie to you."
~tony
"nice going, llama, you killed the world"
~ginger
"steve, you just rolled the dretch..."
~sheri
"'so where would you like to go tonight, honey?' 'oh, how about the ice caverns, dear?'"
~tony
"everyone, watch out for things you can't see"
~ginger
"because you should know better than to pick up a duck in a dungeon."
~
"i am an omnivore of my word"
~tony
"hush puppies are fried puppies"
~mr lunt, veggitales
"you're going to backstab him...with a ballista?"
~matt, the gamers
"the closer we are to danger, the further we are from harm"
~pippin, lotr
"because the puppies are all congregated in vegas..."
~jared
"cheater! he's a cheating nerd!"
~sheri
"cry havoc and let slip the weiner dogs of war!"
~amber
"its kinda like a jared plot, with steve characters, mixed with some lsd."
~tony
"did i or did i not warn you about me?"
~greg, real life comics
"i'm the best bumbershoot i know how to be"
~jared
"i should have recognized your stylish ninja pacifier"
~jared
"jared decided the best way to cut down on party indecision was to cut down on party"
~tony
"let us in or the universe gets it!"
~tony
"boo is outraged! see his fury! it's small, so look close."
~minsc, baldurs gate 2
"i'm just two steps closer to becoming a potted plant!!"
~jared
"i only lick civilized walls"
~eric e
"my character is basically a corncob"
~justin
"it sounded like a good plan at the time - i didn't know it was going to try to undress me"
~tony
"ice cream has got to be better than the underdark."
~jared
"in the fast lane of life, i am a speed bump"
~marilyn
"i'm not saying be upset. i'm saying send him a summer sausage."
~kevin
"a wasted mind is a terrible thing to waste further"
~john kovalic, author of dork tower
"go my little sheep tanks, go!"
~tony
"booya....it sounds somehow... familiar"
~zelda
"i'm facing the inevitable"
~ginger
"joseph stalin has my laundry"
~ginger
"he just needs more jesux in his life"
~amanda
"show me your 'ways' and i shall show you your sock!"
~ginger
"waffles are never something to be down about?"
~tony
"i am a squirrel; i shall avenge you!"
~justin
"holy sentence-fragments, batman!"
~mike d
"uhm, i didn't know chocolate bars came in 'womens' and 'mens'..."
~sheri
"because there's a big difference between death and ham"
~sheri
"i was not aware that the hidden masters had a domain in my toilet"
~ginger
"not all fuzzers are sweaty"
~sheri
"it's times like this that i just want to hold my flesh-eating undead"
~tony
"it was like the sound of grinding metal and a thousand camels running in place"
~jamie
"the shrimp are everywhere. you can go and just pull them off the trees... ...almost"
~tony
"the powers that be have given the dishes until noon tomorrow to stand down or face retributive action"
~jared
"use the penguin code. don't you have a special penguin code?"
~tony
"i shall poke you with four four-tined forks four times"
~sheri
"its not really a fattened calf slaughtering occasion, so we're instead slaughtering a calf on the atkins diet"
~tony
"curse you all and your ducks!"
~jared
"it sounds silly when a dwarf says 'duh'"
~ginger
"i used to say i'm ashamed to be less depraved than my friends. then i met you."
~kevin
"ignite the cupcake!!"
~ginger
"you'd have to eat 7 kids to get the same nutritional value as in one bowl of total!"
~tony
"see to the human; he's radioactive!"
~ginger
"your toaster has performed an illegal operation and must be shut down"
~ginger
"i'm investigating a piece of chocoate"
~sheri
"the squirrels have had enough!"
~ginger
"did he just sing himself into our party?"
~eric
"what do i have to roll to do a gender check on him?"
~eric
"llamas don't exist because they have 4 legs"
~adam
"unbeknownst to you there is a family of chipmunks having a rave in your trunk every time you turn the corner"
~jared
"just a bit of harmless brain-alteration"
~wallace, wallace and gromit
"dude, give me back my imaginary friend"
~adam
"my alarm clock was designed to help europe prepare for the blitzkrieg"
~ginger
"sorry. tennis with the great king of evil."
~jared
"i'm a mean, spiteful little archivist."
~ginger
"a visa platinum card makes me travel and shop?"
~jared
"random acts of page turning"
~d. hendricksen
"choral ooze"
~d. hendricksen
"penguin parcel packing padders?"
~jared
"it's just like monastic orders, only less prayer and more geek."
~kevin
"i have never seen a humaniod with the crispity, crunchitty, peanut buttery subtype"
~tony
"we must avoid the evil turn signals for surely they will lead us into damnation."
~jared
"it was like the holocaust of disney movies"
~ginger
"he's the only gm i know who could tpk a game of 'candy land.'"
~tony
"hey! i'm not her stupid!"
~sheri
"headline: 'local pub: 27 people missing, lone philosopher found passed out in the corner.'"
~tony
"look they're so happy. i am as unto a little green penguin god to them"
~ginger
"unsupervised spaghetti can be hazardous"
~amanda
"in this world, it's either smurf or be smurfed"
~jared
"if i did everything right, i should get an error message"
~jared
"surely that is dark magic. dark chocolate magic."
~jared
"now! now is your time to rise up and lay waste to our posteriors!"
~tony
"i am an inertia-stopping fool"
~ginger
"a fool and his hit points are soon parted"
~indie rock pete, diesel sweeties
"you don't have a goat; it doesn't apply to you."
~jared
"you fish sniffin hippie"
~tony
"you 'heaved' on 'ho'! you fools!"
~tony
"i've got a cat allegory - i sneeze whenever i tell it"
~midgel, 3 2 1 penguins
"six badgers equal one mushroom"
~tony
"if you're going to sit in your basement pretending to be an elf, you should at least have some friends over to help."
~dnd poster
"you know, you probably would have lived if you hadn't 'rocked out'"
~ginger
"earlier today, the moon narrowly avoided hitting a man's eye like a big pizza pie. scientists believe that's amore"
~crow and tom servo, mst3k
"your stairs make ninjas cry."
~tony
"i am pwned in the eyes of the lord"
~indie rock pete, diesel sweeties
"don't be too sane; that's crazy"
~
"i just needed to get from here to there--evidently by way of warsaw!"
~jared
"so you've never played full-contact scrabble?"
~justin
"ooooh, what festive barbed wire."
~tony
"no, i'm too cool for that. i have a barney night-light"
~sam
"isn't that perfectly redneckablly awesome?"
~kevin
"someone is clearly pissed in the name of god"
~kevin
"i have to get the baggie from the bag and put the bagel in the baggie and put the bagel in the baggie in the bag"
~sheri
"if we both caught mono, would we have stereo?"
~indie rock pete, diesel sweeties
"see, that's the problem with selling your organs for technology"
~ginger
"i think you're letting your desire to live get in the way of having fun"
~tony
"i'm not here for the entrance, i'm here for his little monkey soul!"
~jared
"i'm not all roses and lollipops"
~amanda
"so you submit that the 'fish stick' is the new 'foot'?"
~amanda
"two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and i'm not sure about the universe."
~albert einstein
"a little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men"
~willy wonka
"the reason humans are the ascendant creatures on earth is that we aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."
~kevin
"satan lives in my landline."
~marilyn
"psssst. buddy, can you spare a penguin?"
~tony
"there is great power in this styrofoam peanut"
~jared
"i don't want my sweet kitties to be harbingers of the apocalypse!"
~ginger
"english doesn't borrow from other languages. english follows other languages down dark alleys, knocks them over and goes through their pockets for loose grammar."
~james nicoll
"ah, a sandwich with which to rule all peanutbutterdom."
~jared
"i think he's bringing you the dead guy"
~edie
"ginger's secret ingredient is love. kevin's secret ingredient is snark. snark is good, but it's no love"
~tony
"i wanna shout at these kids to log off my e-lawn"
~greg, real life comics
"we tried to be subtle, but... ...i was an angel with a shotgun, so..."
~nick
"i'm connected to the internet via a laser beam"
~kevin
"excuse me, but it's not every day you cause the apocalypse"
~rucht
"[if] you can kill things; you can handle something sharp"
~sheri
"any mental image that starts off with me in a dress probably doesn't get any better from there."
~tony
"is this one of those situations that involves 'ethics?' cause i'm a cat, you know. i've never been very good at those."
~krosp, girl genius
"i serve lord aaaaah get-it-off-me! get-it-off-me!"
~tony
"what? they didn't cover 'bags of holding' in high school physics?"
~jared
"i just wanted to chop the wood, not declare war on it!"
~nick
"you won't even get comfortable with only eight midgets on the couch"
~tony
"i'll give you a lonely goatherd..."
~sheri
"'so you are positing the existance of womanta rays?' 'duh, how else would you get babyta rays?' 'how else, indeed'"
~tycho and gabriel, penny arcade
"aah, the chiropractor. they get to use the human body like a bop-it."
~tony
"i fell off the wagon. then i fell off the oregon trail"
~electron mike, diesel sweeties
"i wonder how much is in a loaf of toilet paper..."
~sheri
"what's with this? i can't even kill a babysitter!"
~sheri
"hey! that was my future!"
~tony
"ooooh! i can see the internet from here!"
~tony
"ice cream helps freeze the brain, which forces it to reboot, which allows it to run self-diagnostic tests and fix minor problems. it's also tasty..."
~tony
"i've stumbled upon a mountain of 'dumb'"
~ginger
"llama - will you marry me?"
~mahto
"you are what you eat"
~ramen noodles
"roll the dice - it builds character"
~
"a man named 'shiny' should not need enlightenment"
~tony
"or am i to become the hero of time, the twilight, and the free market economy?"
~tony
"i'm not a god, i've just been...misquoted"
~dave lister, red dwarf
"well, ginger, you *do* bring out the neener in people."
~justin
"lightening no longer fast enough - now sending dinosaurs!"
~tony
"yes, a penguin taught me french back in antarctica"
~the weakerthans, 'our retired explorer'
"thank you jesus for this, our daily awesome."
~xeni jardin
"great caesar's toast!"
~sarge, red vs blue
"your brain just can't handle my radical new ideas"
~jared
"i'm like mary poppins with a bigger purse"
~ginger
"take that, woman! i'll undress your toilet paper myself!"
~sheri
"once i saw a forklift lifting a box of forks. it was way too literal for me"
~
"that man has an invincible buttocks"
~tony
"'the robot lost its claw!' - that's something you never get to say when talking about the garfield administration"
~sarah vowell
"my hair is longer than...pork chops?"
~jared
"i'd be fine if i just had a zombie"
~edie
"if i get mauled by a bear today i'm going to be very upset"
~sara h.
"an lo a voice spoke in the darkness, and it said: 'mnah-mnah'"
~ginger
"this is just one of those things you can only learn by throwing hand grenades at your friends"
~tony
"buddhaweiser - the less you want it, the better it tastes"
~nathan rice
"i possess boldness when i possess cake, jared"
~tony
"apparently mother nature is slightly bi-polar"
~pheonixinoehp
"shut your grog hole"
~jared
"no, we have a dragon in our nose ring"
~ginger
"i can't believe you cheered up mr. giggles!"
~tony
"murple!"
~zeb
"you can't mix old spaghetti with new spaghetti skins"
~jared
"for the first time i shot at something and it blew up"
~jared
"extra letters and lots of butter - that's french life"
~dr. beck
"my blood is ab-pepsi"
~jared
"i like to think of 'haphazard' as a strength"
~jared
"if you don't laugh at my regular jokes, i'm going to resort to puns"
~dr. beck
"i have a little authority *here*, but the minute i step off of campus, i don't have authority over anyone....especially not my cat"
~dr. beck
"...so you can seem like martha stewart on valium"
~dr. beck
"you're not the only one-legged hispanic cello player from mississippi"
~dr. beck
"ok, well, it's when the corners of your pie hole are turned up then"
~kaya
"you'd be up a creek without a bellybutton"
~jared
"most 2 year olds are like chimpanzees on amphetamines"
~dr. beck
"we're going to pull the wool out from under your eyes!"
~steve
"my cohort, my partner, my meat shield"
~tony
"what do you buy for a man who has two jackhammers?"
~stephanie
"oooh, you're cruel. i would have killed the kid."
~tim
"oh man, i forgot to turn off my 'suck'"
~steve
"i'm saving my cows for marriage"
~thes
"robb! that's *not* how you shoot a lady!"
~tony
"their food and everything is all 12 volt"
~don
"i have more replacement parts than a '57 chevy"
~marilyn
"those kabobs are already shished"
~sheri
"so much concentrated 'fail' - if you add water to it, you've got like 8 gallons"
~william
"i am very nearly bunc-ing"
~jared
"we are not responsible for anything you may hear despite the fact that we said it"
~dan, fear the boot
"life is too short for bad gaming"
~luke, fear the boot
"a rolling stone gathers two birds"
~luke, fear the boot
"be pickled in the grace and love of god"
~aaron wymer
"i saw charlotte's web, i know how this works"
~john, fear the boot
"shoes work best if you have at least two pair so you can rotate them out. that's why i have 40 pair."
~edie
"don't you hate it when you're at a joust and someone pulls out a cell phone?"
~
"smammichman does not wear spandex"
~jared
"hey! someone stole my u-boat!"
~jared
"once you kiss a guy they generally won't trust you for the rest of your life"
~scott
"whatever ancient evil wants to devour my entrails is fine with me"
~nick
"i think you were doing better when i was standing on your head"
~marilyn
"i only bought it because it was free!"
~gabe, penny arcade
"they fed me smores at gunpoint"
~tony
"congratulations chuck, you're a haystack"
~jared
"here, go run around with this sharp stick. that's fun, right?"
~justin booth
"the next big environmental controversy is going to be over globe deflation"
~tony
"the best way to prove my shirt is not evil is to remove my pants"
~robb
"chibi-thulu trusts me, why don't you?"
~stacey
"this is my life... ...chuck it."
~sheri
"he doesn't know why i pigged"
~john
"you do not have the 'sword of morbid curiousity'"
~aaron stack
"now i can bash my sheep"
~tony
"my 12-year-old son invited a girl to his birthday party. she's a really good sniper."
~chuck
"i am all about putting bodies in creeks"
~amber-lee
"my dead people are boring!"
~robb
"hugs are more important than sabres..."
~sheri
"i'm a pants-less pirate"
~tony
"you don't know any of her dead people"
~edie
"am i to run screaming from every fresh-baked pie i see!?"
~tony
"i'm just making a little dragon; it'll be okay"
~jared
"she knows i wouldn't mess with her mind if it wasn't important"
~edie
"honey, don't answer the phone for satan"
~robb
"chickens don't have thumbs because they're not cows"
~marilyn
"if you don't have a belly button, you're part chicken"
~marilyn
"ron weasly will pop your soul like a grape"
~tony
"i massaged his ears - he can do *anything* now!"
~edie
"moses: his throw pillows never matched his curtains"
~aaron wymer
"but i don't *have* any more dogs in my bag!"
~robb
"i do what i do - and nothing else"
~john
"cornbread is my life"
~kaya
"i'm a wizard, i have no time for pants"
~tony
"i just kill you when you die"
~john, fear the boot
"fascinating! this corpse is still breathing!"
~tony
"it's grandma's handmade rope. it has a +1 love bonus...and it smells like cookies"
~dave s.
"does this foot know the ways of the force?"
~jared
"i gave birth to davey crockett"
~tony
"those people weren't drinking coffee in the first century - that's part of what was wrong with them!"
~bob hall sr.
"i need to tell her not to delete the comb-over - it's too important"
~edie
"there are supplemental boobs in the fridge"
~sheri
"some things were better in the 'good old days' - but you couldn't microwave popcorn..."
~roger
"if i only had my zyzzl duck i would have won - it would have doubled my purple pony points!"
~cristo
"o the last place i would have looked, under a giraffe's butt"
~jared
"when that chicken walker gets here, we're clucked"
~tony
"it's all an elaborate plan to win a trivia contest that doesn't actually exist"
~tony
"googling prosthetic lobster claw didn't get me far."
~rachel-erin
"nerf; the other orange meat"
~adam
"i've never seen just a chunk of cholesterol"
~joe
"you were aiming the apple at her head, but then the gun went off...you know what i mean"
~joe
"what's wrong with you? why can't you understand my made-up words?"
~sheri
"we could have continental breakfast with the dinosaurs!"
~edie
"if you're going to hunt unicorn, you've got to dress the part"
~david b
"take that, arbor day!"
~tony
"food in the sahara, suck...boy...food...man..."
~tony
"but i don't want one the size of nova scotia - it will be too big for the cupcake!"
~sheri
"martha stewart doesn't believe in ducks"
~sheri
"i never 'foodled', and that was the important thing!"
~tony
"hmm, you taste like math"
~doug
"we're debating the finer points of what is and is not legal to do at night inside a saw mill"
~nick
"in the case of what's occurred here - whether we're talking about pregnancy or a dead dog -"
~dan, fear the boot
"i am baby-mice-ing invisible!"
~de
"at this point, cooties are better than death"
~de
"you got tangled in an intangible chain? how did you *do* that!?"
~reinholdt
"aslan picks out some weird-looking purses"
~dan, fear the boot
"i don't know the formula for a teleporting chicken sandwhich`"
~jared
"she was 8 like a hundred years ago - she's probably older now"
~tony
"a moment of silence please. sheri lost her brain"
~tony
"it's chicken over twisty-ties!"
~john
"when two people love each other very much, nothing about their mothers changes"
~tony
"apparently i don't know anything about planar vomit"
~nick
"you can call yourself a pineapple, but that doesn't make you one"
~marilyn
"deploy the sexy rib!"
~tony
"use your indoor voice, not your endor voice"
~tony
"by coming there to do a party it makes it biodegradable."
~marilyn
"i couldn't get off your head, and then i died - a penguin killed me"
~sheri
"you really need to stop saying 'over there' when you're invisible"
~ginger
"i don't mean to suck; it's just something that happens"
~tony
"help me obiwan-hannobi"
~llama
"that's right - you *did* buy my bra"
~tim
"it would be made out of copper - you'd have to wear two pairs of pants just to carry it!"
~joe
"brunch has to just happen - you can't force a brunch"
~joe
"my head is not where i keep my hot dogs!"
~sheri
"i can honestly say i've never moshed in a top hat."
~tim
"i'm going to pop a toad with my face"
~tim
"my back scratcher will taste blood tonight!"
~adam
"i cut off his finger as a sign of friendship"
~tony
"and now everybody's dead because you're afraid to sneeze"
~tony
"need for sleep iii: marry poppins would be proud"
~tim
"trying to find reason in llama logic, is like trying to find atlantis in switzerland."
~indy
"it's a caddy-wompus brain-boggle!"
~marilyn
"wow, i thought you guys would know more about childhood cannibalism"
~tony
"there's no other reason to be levitating and hugging."
~bill
"well ain't that a basket full of boneless monkeys"
~tim
"the herd was culled through an unspeakable act of gnatricide"
~john arnaud
"is 'toasted fire truck' a color?"
~stephen
"no one really likes burnt toast, but on the eyes it's ok"
~john
"if the scourge of the next century is named 'chippy', something has gone horribly awry"
~jared
"sheri, will you decapitate the poor piss boy?"
~tony
"if you could just suffocate with a little more dignity..."
~tony
"anyone who has been run over by a plane is bound to be susceptible to death by dresser catapult"
~jared
"it turns out i can't draw vegetables in bondage"
~tony
"it's the sprinkles that make it extra deadly"
~tim
"werewolves aren't flammable, are they?"
~tony
"i don't have the spell 'sobriety'"
~tony
"i'm not selling my soul to a dwarf!"
~adam
"oh, 'little bloody horse-pieces' - you shall not have died in vain!"
~tony
"when i was a child, my mom dropped a radioactive thesaurus on my head"
~tony
"no matter what conversation you start, it will end in monkey-leg"
~jared
"one plus one equals upside-down pineapple"
~dan, fear the boot
"kermit arms! kermit arms for everyone!"
~adam
"the mental image of a hydra in nine top-hats speaking queens english gives me hope for tonight's session."
~tony
"we should really go to bed, but i'm not hungry"
~jared
"so, my leg just turned into a giant tentacle. as long as it stops there, i'm cool with it."
~tim
"i'm curious about my mind now"
~tim
"i get paid by the syllable, son"
~tony
"the sprinklers went off and three people died!?"
~sheri
"so, recursive pregnancy aside..."
~tim
"if you had endometriosis, this is where the -osis would be"
~marilyn
"nice things don't shamble"
~susan j morris
"i trip the light fantastic. and then i offer to help it up. and when the light fantastic is halfway up i let go, and it falls again. me and the light fantastic do not get along at all."
~cecil baldwin
"those marshmellows expired before you were born..."
~jared
"your phone! i'm going to grind it into phone-bits and use it to make my bread! cellular bread! gets reception everywhere!"
~tony
"i told you to do less than that! you're an over-achiever, and that's why you suck!"
~tony
"hi, my name's mario and i'm full of fireballs and topspin and i'm going to eat my own face!"
~tony
"despite the giant puncture wounds, i find myself envious of you."
~tony
"'who touched the lake?' 'well, i drank some of it - does that count?'"
~jared (as tim)
"exhibit a shows you acting like an idiot"
~jonathan
"i'm sure arnold palmer hangs out in johnson city, stalking random people."
~tony
"don't worry, sheri, there are plenty of zombies in the kitchen."
~tony
"how drunk are you? roll a d4 to see how many sheets to the wind you are."
~rucht
"'go team hindsight!' sounds catchier than 'go team maybe-we-shouldn't-have-done-that'"
~tony
"it's not so much a leaf as a tentacle creature"
~tim
"i have distracted you with potatoes! i shall ascend to the throne!"
~tony
"pumas are notoriously bad putters"
~tony
"sounds like snorglebum soiled himself for nothing!"
~tony
"nah, if you put a starter on a goat they just get mad"
~tony
"i think i'm a good candidate for alien abduction"
~kevin
"because rocket-guided penguins?"
~ginger
"i'm sorry that primm was eaten by a grell. i offer my deepest apologies. i'm very sorry... ...kind of."
~rucht
"have you tried giving 'watch' to 'wolf'?"
~tony
"one fish, two fish...blue fish...red fish?"
~tim
"i like how *you* wound them, so when i hit the cup, they can't catch it."
~tony
"so, do you want the duck or the sunrise?"
~jared
"there are two numbers: 'zero' and 'anything that overflows your data type'"
~randall munroe, xkcd
"do you know what 'a peanut in a crack' is? it's when it's so good you can't even breathe. only in spanish."
~hannah
"i'm getting you a box of humility for christmas"
~brodeur, fear the boot
"screw it, i'm gonna defenestrate this f*cker!"
~dan, fear the boot
"you couldn't troll if you had a lease on the underside of a bridge."
~unknown
"i merely nudged it...with gravity"
~tim
"i was simply trying to discuss magical homeless street fighting in a logical and scientific manner."
~tony
"we're going to beat up the wizard until he helps us breathe under water."
~tim
"sometimes helpful robots just knock trees over on you"
~tony
"i have a skeleton that helps me get around the booby traps... ...he's a stinky, stinky one."
~hannah
"hmm. i don't think i can divide by 'bob', though...wait, i can't even add 3 to 'bob' right now..."
~colton
"i'm really confused as to why i'm not getting an error here..."
~colton
"i smell peanut butter and dead power supply"
~colton
"dang it, rohan!"
~jared